You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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