When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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