So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
