Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
