You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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