Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
