I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
