my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
