What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
