The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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