after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
