Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I think a kid would responsible me up
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
