do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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