I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
