Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
