I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
