my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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