The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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