he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
