i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
