1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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