New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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