you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
