I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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