She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
