Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
