my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
