He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
