Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
