we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
