She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
