don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
