1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
