I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
