I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
After tacos, we're chasing women.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
