I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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