it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
