my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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