I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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