??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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