She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
operation harelip BJ is a go
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
