He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
