well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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