Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
