you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
My breasts were aching with rage.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
