i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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