when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
