just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
