im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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