Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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